The Great Work Experiment

When we began the adoption process, I always knew I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. Did I know exactly what that job would entail? Nope. Almost 3.5 years ago we brought home L and my life changed in almost every possible way. I wish I could say that the transition was easy. It was not. at. all. I remember sitting hubby down and telling him that I had set a deadline for myself, and if I was still miserable, we were going to have to search for other alternatives. In hindsight, I was being waaaay hard on myself (who, me?). It was the dead of winter in Chicago, I had no car and was thus completely house-bound for almost 3 months. I remember taking L to the Lincoln Park Zoo one day in April when it was only in the 40's. That's how desperate I was to get out of the apartment.

Thankfully, I found my mommy groove and have never had a moment of regret choosing to stay at home with my kids. Let me state here and now that this is, by no means, me saying that one choice is better than the other. Some moms work, some don't. Whatever keeps mommy happy and fulfilled results in happy children and a happy household. 'Nuff said.

Two months ago I was given the opportunity to sub for a voice teacher who had gone into early labor. Good friends of mine are on faculty at this particular university and I simply couldn't turn it down. To say that I was terrified is a massive understatement. I hadn't taught a lesson since we brought L home in 2008. Once the logistics were worked out (thanks to the help of the best family ever) I started to prepare myself to leave my kiddos. For six weeks I was gone from Sunday evening until Wednesday evening. I can honestly say I have never left my babies for that long. Come to think of it, I believe it was the very first time I'd spent the night away from E.

There were some tearful Skype moments, but all in all the kids and I handled the change pretty well. Teaching came back to me like, well, riding a bike, I guess. I was busy and focused and taking some secret joy in the fact that people were actually calling me Dr. Grandey again!! All those degrees I spent 10 years accumulating were finally being used! My students were all lovely and accepting, and I do think some of them made significant progress with me which resulted in a very very rewarding experience overall.

I was beginning to think that I might be able to do this at home. Find a job teaching 15 or so hours a week, make some extra money, find a childcare provider that works out of the home, no problem! I was plotting and planning my return to the professional world until the week  I took my kids with me to Michigan. Wow. Getting up in the morning, trying to get ready for work while simultaneously getting the kids dressed & fed, dealing with E who does not ever want to be put down (not easy applying mascara and holding a baby, but I managed), dropping two reluctant kids off at daycare...it was the hardest three days of motherhood in recent memory. I have such a renewed respect for working moms. It took a level of multi-tasking that I simply do not possess. When my kids were back home with family, I could forget them while I was teaching and really focus on my students. When they were with me they were on my mind ALL DAY. All I wanted to do was finish teaching so I could go and pick up my babies. Then when I did pick them up it was rush home, get dinner ready, jammies, and then suddenly it was bedtime. It was exhausting. Seriously, working moms...you rock. You must have deep wells of energy I haven't yet tapped.

The main think I took away from this experience was to remember how incredibly lucky I am to be able to choose whether or not I want to go back to work. In the end I decided that E was just not ready for me to be gone for any significant amount of time quite yet. Shockingly, my outgoing and easygoing L took it the hardest. She doesn't like me to go anywhere without her now, and constantly tells me, "Mama, I missed you when you were in Michigan." Sheesh.

Will I teach again one day? Absolutely. I am so thankful that I was able to do a "trial run" of sorts just to make sure I hadn't lost my skills (totally had anxiety that my students would sing for me and I would just sit there. speechless. my mind blank). But for right now staying home with my kids makes me happy and fulfilled. I love the job of being their mom. I know one day all too soon they won't need me nearly as much, so I'm going to gratefully savor every moment I have with them now.