One of these things is not like the other

From a rather young age, my daughter noticed that she was different from her Mommy & Daddy. I can't recall precisely, but I think she was not even 3 when she declared me and my husband to be pink. She, of course, was brown. This statement was delivered with the emotion one might find in a reading of the phonebook. Sure, my husband and I may have initially exchanged terrified looks (we're not ready to have this discussion!!), but we soon realized she was noticing our skin color the way that she also noticed the weather, what we were having for breakfast...etc. Toddlers are truly the most literal creatures on the planet, I have come to learn.

She is now 4 and her perception of the world has definitely expanded and deepened in the past year or so. I recall a conversation we had earlier this year on the way home from school. She was irritated that some of her friends had called her "black." Mainly she was confused and perhaps wondering if her friends were colorblind as she was clearly brown. "But Mommy, my skin is BROWN. My HAIR is black." Again, back to that habit of being completely literal. We've since tried to explain to her that often people with brown skin are referred to as black, but she simply won't budge on the point. She is brown, dammit, and people better start getting their act together.

Over the years, with each little comment and question I have taken the same approach: try to figure out exactly what she is asking and address that and that only. Race is such an emotionally loaded issue to all adults, it is a slippery slope when talking to our very young children, most of whom simply want the facts, ma'am. The danger of over-informing is great. This is not to say that I will always address race with my children in a completely unemotional and neutral way, but for L's age, I think it's appropriate. Her questions are void of emotional baggage, and so my answers should be as well.

Two very recent incidents, though, have had me baffled. I'm back to "how the hell do I deal with this? What is the appropriate thing to say here? Where is my damn book on transracial adoption???!!!!" mode. Her comments haven't been that inflammatory, per se, but definitely at a new level. I realized that I'm going to have to reconsider my approach and adjust to the fact that my daughter is starting to see herself more and more in relation to all that is around her. Especially her family.

Incident #1: Over the past month or so I've been watching my niece a couple days each week. She is white. We were sitting around the table having a snack when L says, "Mama, K looks just like you. You are both pink. I want to look like you, too." It was the very first comment L has ever made where she wasn't 100% overjoyed with looking the way she does. Normally, self-confidence is not an issue with my little girl. She likes her brown skin, brown eyes, and she likes her black hair BIG. The other day she told her Daddy to take her hair out of her bedtime braids because she wanted her hair to be "wide." I know that her comment came from simply wanting to be like her Mommy, the person she loves, but I was still thrown. I think I babbled something about how we may look different, but that we're a family and some families look different and remember Dinosaur Train? In that show Buddy is a T-Rex and doesn't look like his Mommy Mrs. Pteranadon but they are still a family and love each other...yada yada yada. Midway through that eloquent speech L had already tuned out and was back to pretending to be a lion.

Incident #2: I was racing L up the stairs to bedtime when she gleefully yelled, "Mommy, I'm the speediest! E and I are on the brown team and you and Daddy are on the pink team! The brown team is going to win!" Teams? WTF? I remember looking down the stairs at hubby who was wearing and equally incredulous facial expression. How in the world was I to address this?? Is it a big deal? Should we talk about this? Am I blowing this out of proportion? I mean, I am glad that she appears to be thrilled that her brother is brown "just like her." But to make teams out of us? After much thought, I realized I was making just the mistake I addressed above: I was assigning waaaay to much emotion and baggage to L's innocent statement. She could just as easily have declared the race to be boys against girls, grown-ups against kids. She is only seeing those differences that are visible and obvious. Of course, I did say something about how we are one big family made up of different kinds of people. And of course, she heard half of it and was once again pretending to be a lion.

So, it's back to the books for this mom. Even though L is still young and very much in the land of the painfully literal, it's become increasingly clear that her questions and comments are going to quickly get more complex and tougher to answer. One day she isn't going to drift off during my speech and pretend to be a lion. She's going to be sitting there listening to me, looking to me for answers and guidance.