My goodness, do I have a horrid case of cabin fever. Two sick kids mean no going to the Community Center, play cafe, local science center, or even school. I even hesitate to take E to the grocery store, his nose is leaking mucus so profusely I can only imagine the looks of disgust I would get. It's a frustrating age when they are too big to use the suction thingy on their nose, but too young to fully understand how to blow one's nose. At any given moment E has two giant RIVERS of snot coming out of his nose...generally funneling into his mouth. Ick.
Being stuck in the house for days at a time has its benefits: all of the laundry is done, kitchen is spotless, toys organized and put away (for the moment), meals prepared, floors vacuumed, and beds made. But there are definitely a few downsides to this house arrest of sorts. Oh! Dear friends, how I wish I were one of those moms who dream up crafty and fun things to do, don't freak out over the messes created by said crafts, and manage to keep their sanity intact and children happy without turning on the TV. I will shamefully admit that A LOT of TV has been watched these past few days. I can honestly say that PBS Kids is probably the only reason why I'm not currently wandering the streets in my robe, walking an invisible dog, and muttering to myself all while clinging desperately to a very large glass of red wine.
While my oldest is (and always has been) amazing at entertaining herself, my youngest is clearly working through something as his clinginess has recently launched into overdrive. I remember worrying about L for a good year after bringing her home. I so desperately wanted her to need me more than she did. Sure, she sought me out when amongst strangers, she came to me when hurt or scared, but she rarely needed me to be physically present with her at all times. She started imaginary play pretty early, which meant that I could get stuff done while she happily played solo. This is NOT the case with E. To say he is a "high-need" child is a massive understatement. His neediness has never gone away, but tends to increase and decrease in waves. Right now we are slogging through an intense increase. In addition to wanting to be held constantly (did I mention that he's HUGE??), he will now only eat if sitting on my lap. If I try to sit near him, he simply picks up his plate, plops it down next to mine and attempts to climb up onto my lap. He seems to crave physical contact with me. He only allows me to change his diaper and put him down for naps and bedtime. If he's standing near me at a moment when I simply can't pick him up, he puts his hand under the bottom of my shirt just to touch my skin. When I'm holding him, his hand is down my shirt. In the car ride to my parents' house last weekend, he became hysterical if I didn't reach back and have one hand on his knee. He just wants to be touched. By me. ALL THE FRIGGIN' TIME. What makes me feel like a shit is that I'm starting to resent it. I love him so much it boggles the mind but oh-my-God-just-give-me-some-personal-space-before-I-loose-my-mind (not to mention my sense of being an individual.) This afternoon after hubs got home I managed to slip upstairs for some alone time. After about 3 minutes E discovered I wasn't with him and spent the next 10 minutes SCREAMING at the bottom of the stairs (I caved and went back down. Turns out alone time isn't so relaxing when accompanied by someone hysterically screaming, "Mama!". No movies, games, treats, toys or candy would calm him down. Only me.
While I feel secure in his attachment, I still hesitate to push E away during these high-cling phases. I know many think (and some have told me) that I'm just being too lenient, that E is manipulating me, that I need to put my foot down and just say no. But then I think about how he's only been home for 20 months. Not so long when you consider that he spent the first 9 months of his life with no one to hold him when he needed to be held. No one to comfort him and give him the physical contact he so clearly craves.
I know that tomorrow will be better. Hopefully, E will be healthy enough so I can head back to the gym (which always does wonders for my mood). Hopefully, E will either be a little less demanding, or I will respond to his demands with a little more grace. Hopefully, I won't have to turn the TV on quite as much tomorrow (but if I do, I'll try not to make myself feel like a failure).
And tomorrow is Friday! And my birthday is next week! And I start a teaching gig soon! All good things. Ok, maybe getting older isn't so great, but at least I get some cake and presents out of it. I do love cake.
