This Modern Mom is NOT Conflicted

This morning while working out I had the misfortune to stumble upon an interview with Elisabeth Badinter in Marie Claire magazine (don't judge me, I was just looking for some light reading). I rarely take part in these so-called "Mommy Wars," but this interview made me angry enough that I feel compelled to add my two cents. Let me start by saying that I am not upset that Ms. Badinter doesn't seem to care for SAHM's. That's cool with me. I'm totally fine with that. What I cannot abide is name calling. I cannot hold my tongue when someone calls me "infantile" for the choices I have made, at the same time insinuating that I have made said choices lightly or without considerable thought.

The funny thing is that I don't disagree with one of Ms. Badinter's main points:


"Nature knows only one way to be a mother. This is not the case for women, who are endowed with consciousness, personal histories, desires and differing ambitions. What some do well and with pleasure, others do badly or out of duty. By failing to take account of women's diversity, by imposing a single ideal of motherhood, by pursuing the notion of a perfect mother -- one who has the exclusive responsibility of making or breaking her children -- we fall into a trap. We neglect the other business of modern women: the unfinished assault on the glass ceiling, the fight to close the salary gap, the struggle for equality at home."


I do think that there are significant pressures out there to be this natural/mother earth kind of mother. That you are somehow failing if you are not an attachment parenting, breast feeding, cloth diapering, baby food making, co-sleeping, home schooling, organic eating, sign languaging, baby wearing mother. One needs only to look at the recent Time Magazine cover to find evidence of this pressure. I mean seriously, could the text on that magazine cover be more incendiary??

Call me naive, but I think that despite these pressures, most mothers will ultimately do what is best for them and their families, current parenting trends be dammed. For a feminist, Ms. Badinter seems to have a rather low opinion of her gender. Yes, I have a college degree. I also went on to receive my Masters and Doctorate from one of the best music schools in the country. I made a thoughtful choice, however, to stay home with my kids. I was not, nor am I now, under any illusion that I will have an easy transition back into the workforce if/when I choose to go back to work. Nor did I choose to stay home because of some outside societal pressure. I chose to stay home because it was the best choice for me, my husband , and my children. Being a SAHM makes me happy and fulfilled. In the whole, I am happier doing this than I ever was working outside the home. Do I think this makes me a better mother than my sister, who is a working mother? Not at all. Are there days/moments when I am not 100% thrilled with my job as a SAHM? Hell, yes. I'm pretty sure everyone in the workforce feels that way about their chosen profession from time to time. I definitely have moments (like when I see my student loan balance, for example) when I feel as though I'm missing something by not pursuing my field of study. Yet I never became a SAHM assuming that I wouldn't miss working outside the home. I knew that I was giving up one thing to have another. And that was OK with me. I most certainly did not become a SAHM because I felt pressured or guilted into doing so. Give me and other SAHM's a little credit, Ms. Badinter.

When I first became a mom, I was very aware of this natural mom ideal and BEFORE I became a mom, I totally bought into it. I was going to cloth diaper, make my own organic baby food, co-sleep and do all the attachment parenting I read about in Dr. Sear's books. Let's face it, if time magazine thinks that biological parents feel pressured to attachment parent, the pressure on adoptive parents is insane. At this point I did what I believe most moms do: I made my own decisions in how to parent. I took what I liked (what worked for me) from attachment parenting and quickly ditched what I didn't like. Co-sleeping was the first to go. Hated it. Mama needs her space. Cloth diapering? Didn't work for me. I have friends who happily cloth diaper. Are they better stewards of our planet than me? Yep. Are they better mothers than me? No, and I don't believe that is why they chose to cloth diaper. I am sure they have well thought-out reasons, financial and environmental probably topping the list.

My beef with Ms. Badinter's words is this: although I will agree that there are considerable pressures out there to be this all-natural mother earth kind of mama, I absolutely do not agree that we SAHM's make important parenting choices because of said pressures. I do not agree that we are somehow "infantile" or naive because we chose, after finishing our degrees, to stay home with our kids. I can only speak for myself, but I would bet that all of my SAHM friends not only have differing and compelling reasons for staying home, but that we all made the choice with our eyes wide open. We KNOW it will be challenging to re-enter the workforce if and when we decide to do that. We KNOW what we gave up to stay home and not pursue our careers. We all made intelligent, thoughtful decisions taking into account our own, our spouse's, and our children's happiness.

If that makes me infantile, well...I'm rubber and you're glue. So, there!