There's my boy, full of smiles. He really is such a smiley baby, very ticklish and easy to laugh. It's amazing, really, when I consider all that he's endured in the past week. Whenever I start feeling wrapped up in my own anxiety I remind myself to think for a moment of how Elijah must be reeling at the massive changes that have ocurred.
No wonder he's clingy and anxious. He flew over several time zones, spent time in loud and bright airports, and was then delivered home with loud dogs, an even louder sister, and a house full of new sights, smells, and sounds. Whenever he gets super-clingy and every fiber of my being just wants to pull away, I simply go to him, pick him up, and tickle him on his tummy.
There are (and I'm sure will be) moments of "faking it," to be sure, but that is part of the process, I think. Until I can wrap my mind and body around a new life with 2 children, there just isn't enough left of me to truly enjoy it yet. I so wish that were not the case, but I think this is just how I operate. In the meantime, Elijah is loved, fed, cared for, tickled, played with, and doted on by his mommy...even if she still feels like opening the front door and just running sometimes.
Kevin goes back to work on Monday and my life as a mommy of 2 really will begin. Yikes. I'm scared, still with such annoying physical symptoms of anxiety I could scream sometimes, but I know I'll get through it and each week it will get better and better. My appetite will come back, I'll find a routine that keeps both me and the kids occupied and happy, and Elijah will continue to blend into our family.
Until then, I am going to continue to smile at my kids, play with them, ignore my mess of a house, savor naps and meals...there may be many times in the near future when I'm faking it, but thankfully my kiddos will just know that I'm there smiling at them with love in my eyes.
