What I need to remember this time around...

We leave for Ethiopia in 2 weeks. I can barely wrap my mind around that simple fact. People keep asking me if I'm ready and I honestly don't know how to respond. Does anyone really know if they are ready to bring home another baby? The nursery is ready, or at least decorated in the most adorable fashion (see previous post). But to truly picture my life as a mommy of 2? It's kind of fuzzy at the moment. Perhaps that's for the best  ;)

I've been watching a lot of videos from Lila's first year home. I haven't seen them in some time - most days I'm so wrapped up in the present, I forget to take some time and check out the past. But I'm so glad I did. Looking at the videos made me see something I was too sick in mind, body & spirit to see back then. While I was having the freak-out of all freak-outs, meltdown of all meltdowns, my baby was loving me. I remember worrying so much about her attachment, and all I should have done was look at the evidence! There is a video of me giving Lila her very first bath. It was 3 days after we arrived home, my sister was visiting, I had spent the past 2 days with a VERY nasty stomach flu, and Lila had just puked her entire bottle all over my sister. I remember just wanting to cry (and I probably did). But the video doesn't show that at all. Instead, it shows my little Lila just gazing at me during her bath. Almost the whole time she's smiling and staring at me. Why didn't I see that? I wish I had. Thankfully, none of the videos seem to show what a mess I truly was at the time. I wasn't aware of the "fake it 'till you make it" concept back then, but apparently that's what I did!

I finally joined Youtube, so here is another video that I just love:

First off, sorry about the blurry beginning. I have absolutely no idea how to edit videos...frankly, I'm still impressed that I'm actually posting one to my blog. Baby steps, right?

Anyway, in this video Lila is laughing. At me. Now that I think back, I remember that I was one of the only ones that could get her to really laugh (what I really love is that she still has that laugh). This video was taken no more than 3 weeks after arriving home...I was still in full-on meltdown mode. And I didn't notice that my doodlebug thought her mama was the most hilarious person ever.

So, what I need to remember this time around: I want to remind myself to keep my eyes open and look for the GOOD stuff. Don't nitpick and search for bad things, but take the time to notice all of the good things that are happening. I want to really see and notice when Elijah smiles at me, when he looks at me with recognition, when he cries and I make him feel better, when I make him laugh just by making funny faces.

 I can't say that bringing home a new baby won't be stressful and hard. I have no doubt that there are challenges ahead. But I'm hell-bent and determined to step away from my own anxiety and see all the amazing things that are sure to happen. Wow, I just cannot wait to meet my baby boy.