If I knew then what I know now

Thanks to my friend, Amy, I was directed to the blog of a recent adoptive mom who is having a rough time since bringing her son home from Ethiopia. See her blog here. She writes honestly and beautifully about what a great many of us have experienced. More important, what many of us have experienced and were afraid/ashamed/scared to talk about.

When I read her posts it was as if I was reading my own thoughts from two years ago when we brought Lila home. After 6 years of infertility treatments and another 18 months of adoption paper chasing, it had finally happened. I had my daughter. So why was I crying all of the time? Why wasn't I enjoying the motherhood that I had so desperately wanted? I felt like I was this horrible monster...the guilt was almost as incapacitating as the anxiety. No sleep, couldn't eat, my heart would race as Kevin left for work, rushes of cold anxiety through my stomach & legs, wondering what the hell I was going to do with this very cute stranger all day long. I was shocked and apalled at the resentment I felt - what had I done to our very easy life? Before mommyhood, I could shower, pee, walk the dog, read a magazine, watch tv...do all of those things and more any old time I wanted. There were definitely days where I just didn't see how I could go on feeling this way. I never knew that anxiety could take such a physical toll.

Thankfully, I was desperate enough to post to an adoption group about what was going on. I was terrified and ashamed to say the least. There just hadn't been any posts about topics like PAD. But I was overwhelmed and thankful for the responses I received...I wasn't a horrible person, I wasn't alone, and it would get better. I read those responses many time every day, just to remind myself to be patient. That things would get better, just let it happen. 

I am not a patient person. I wanted to know specifically when I would realize this utopia of motherhood that I had always visualized. When would I finally feel like Lila's Mommy. That was definitely a big part of it - not feeling like a "real" mom...and that was a surprise to me. I remember walking around with Lila and expecting someone to point at me and yell, "Imposter!" 

I can't say when it happened. Certainly not all at once. But now Lila is my own. My daughter. The love of my life. I am her mom. I cannot imagine a day without her in it. Whatever process had to happen to reach this point was worth it. 

When I first saw the pictues of my Elijah Pagume, along with pure joy & happiness, I definitely had feelings of anxiety as well. Will he attach? Will I attach? All of the unknowns scare the hell out of me. But this time around I'm comforted no only by the lessons of my past experience, but also by the amazing network of friends and bloggers I've found over the past two years. I'm most definitely not alone.

Other goings on...

This will be brief, as I want to finish my coffee before my little dinosaur wakes up.

Lila's first haircut:

Yep, she was NOT thrilled. But, her ends are now nice & healthy, curls are looking great!

 

Lila feeding her spinosaurus a sugar snap pea.

 

My birthday:

 

Lila yelling, "Cake! Cake! Cake!

She found the cake to be acceptable.

Random:

"I love cleaning! I love overalls!"

Referral!!!!

On Monday, February 22, we received a referral for a beautiful baby boy from Ethiopia. It was the day after my birthday, and I got "the call" just as I was hunkering down to tackle a GIGANTIC mountain of laundry (which totally didn't get done).

I recognized the area code right away, but it was still a complete and total shock. I was really not expecting this for at least another 2 months or so. I answered the phone and couldn't seem to get rid of this nervous giggle. Our agency coordinator told me that she was looking at pictures of our son and I pretty much burst into tears. I then proceeded to babble about how it was the day after my birthday and that my birthday proper had been kinda shitty and this TOTALLY MADE UP FOR IT. Lordy, I couldn't shut myself up for a bit.

As luck would have it, Kevin is actually in town (back from Singapore just this past Thursday) so I as able to get ahold of him right away. Then we both made phone calls to our parents & siblings...they all immediately fell in love with this gorgeous boy.

I can't post pictures, but I'll do my best to describe: he's almost 6 months old, 16 whopping pounds, and has Lila's eyes! It's uncanny...they are from the same region (Oromia) and when you compare with Lila's referral pictures you can see such similarities, especially around the eyes.

Lila now points at his picture and says, "There is baby Elijah! He's sooooooo cute!" Indeed.  

All I want for my birthday is...

My hubby to come home. And he's almost here! Just called from the Columbus airport. Officially best birthday ever. Who knew turning 34 could be so exciting?

Open the door get on the floor, everybody walk the dinosaur.

For those of you who know my little darling, you know that she loves her some dinosaurs. Especially roaring:

Can you hear that? Trust me, it's loud. I think my parents would call it divine justice. According to them (I still have my doubts), as an infant & toddler, my screaming displeasure could be heard down the block "even through the storm windows." That's a direct quote from my Dad.

And on to our Valentine's Day. I tried my hand at craftiness and made a cute little heart garland (thanks to a TON of hearts given to me by my Mom).

It was a tricky day for me...I was seriously grumpy and couldn't seem to shake it all day. My little Lila seemed to sense something was up and kept giving me kisses all day long. It was lovely. "Mommy, I give you kisses on your elbow! On your cheek! On your knee!" We also celebrated Valentine's Day with a trip to Target: got some freakin' adorable overalls...for Lila, of course, and treated myself to a wee box of chocolates. What I found funny was that the Valentine's section looked, as my brother described, "like a war zone." Lots of scared & desperate looking husbands & boyfriends milling about.

I'm completely caught up in the olympics now. Or as Lila says, the "ho-lympics." I'm not much of a crier, but darn it if the commentaries don't squeeze some tears out of me each time! Even the opening ceremonies. Not cool, NBC.

Stay cool. Happy Valentine's Day!

Happy Valentine's Day!

A special Valentine's Day message for daddy:

Happy Valentine's Day, Daddy! We miss you and love you all the way to the moon, and back.

Give me a head of hair...

There is so much going on right now, I think I'll stick with hair until I can sort everything out in my muddled and overflowing brain. So! We last left Lila with adorable but simple puffs. I was thrilled to be able to use those strawberry ballies. After a few days I decided that the pigtails were putting some stress on the front of her hairline, so I took them out (dry) and just spritzed and detangled (with the Blended Beauty detangler...ka-ching!), then finished her curls with the Blended Beauty Jelly Cream. Slapped a headband on and, voila!

Shake those curls! I have found that attempting loose hair from an "up" hairstyle seems to work better than trying it straight from full wet & washed hair. There is definitely less shrinkage, and I am as stingy as possible with the water, using only enough to get the leave-in through.

A day or so later I decided to try a twist-out. I washed her hair in the morning and Lila settled down in front of "Horton Hears a Who" while I put some rope twists all over her head. My intention was to leave them in until they were dry and take them out for the twist out (hence, the parting is not as precise as they should be). But the twists looked so darn cute I left them as is. She's had this style for several days now and it's really stood up quite well. The cloth "rubber bands" are gentle on her hair and easy to take out and tighten, and the twists themselves are crazy easy to re-do if they are a bit fuzzy in the morning or after naps.

And to close, just a cute picture of Lila with my niece, Kendall. Lila is pretty good with her cousin (the competition), but generally does not attempt to play "with" her. Yesterday, Lila was all about Baby Kendall. She wanted to play with her, hold her, kiss her...so cute. I could only capture one picture before chaos erupted, but it's still pretty darn cute:

Those are Lila's old purple fleece pants, purchased by a very overzealous Mommy & Mimi at the Patagonia store in Chicago. But I'd do it again! They come with a matching top and the whole ensemble is so gosh darn cute!