Well, not really. But, Kevin is finally on his way home and I'm currently watching a 30 Rock episode with a very cold Amstel Light. For me, that's pretty darn good.
For whatever reason I've been thinking about how or if I should get back into singing again. I find it amazingly hard to believe how little music & singing have to do with my current life. Especially considering that I spent 10 solid years of undergrad, grad & post-grad...all for what? I think back on my time at Eastman with such nostalgia. I remember how surprised I was to actually get in to Eastman. How I spent the first week or so waiting for someone to tap me on the shoulder and tell me it was a mistake. And how amazing it was to be surrounded by some of the most brilliant musicians and artists around. The phrase "in my element" applies perfectly. I loved the classes, the professors, my colleagues, my students, the performances...everything.
After I finished my doctorate there was definitely a struggle to maintain the kind of momentum that school-related deadlines, recitals, homework, performances fuel. But I did at first. I was happy (and again, surprised) to sing with Opera Illinois, then some weddings, recitals when I was in Chicago, and of course my teaching and work with DePaul Community Music. All of those things meant I was still a musician.
But it's now been almost 2 years since I've sung a note (of classical music, that is). I feel guilty every time I think of the monthly amount we pay towards my student loans. More than anything, I'm shocked at how easily music has slipped out of my life. Motherhood has completely taken over every bit of space that music left behind. I have lots of mom friends from grad school who seem to be doing both: motherhood and teaching, motherhood and performing. I wonder, how do they do it? When do they do it? Why do they do it?
Without the challenges/deadlines/competition of grad school, I find myself not knowing how to start. In school you practice to learn repertoire and you learn repertoire for recitals, competitions, juries...etc. I've never practiced just to practice. Learned repertoire just to learn it. And I used to love singing! I was passionate about German lieder, loved studying the Ophelia settings for my lecture recital, loved every opera role I had.
Don't get me wrong, I love being a SAHM. I love what I do and can say without a doubt it's the most challenging and rewarding thing I've ever done. I wouldn't change a thing. Ever. But sometimes I wonder if I'm cheating myself and my daughter by neglecting what used to be such a big part of who I was.
Stay tuned for a waaaaay less philosophical post about Lila's new hairstyle! Box braids!
One of my friends from Oklahoma is an amazing pianist and went to school for it and all that. Then she adopted her son from Guatemala and had to take a step back. Her son is now four (and going to pre-school) so she has some various part time digs that allow her to still be involved in music. I know that she plays piano occasionally for the Tulsa Ballet and then does some church stuff too. Too bad you don't qualify to sing for the Columbus Gay Man's Chorus! Ha! They are awesome. :) Hopefully you can find a way to get music back in your life!
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